July was rough. Intense and hard. Filled with stress and feelings of lack. It was the toughest month I’ve had in awhile.
When I’m out of sorts, I contract and withdraw. I have confronted this kind of lack and stress before and made it through the darkness back to the light countless times. So I know this dark time it’s fleeting, but then, that may be why I was so frustrated. Because I’ve been here before and I didn’t want to be here ever again. But I will be here again. We all will. It’s how life rolls. Control is an illusion (Thank you, Mr Robot for that tidbit, I found comfort in repeating it when I felt out of control.)
There were valid reasons for being so angry, upset and frustrated. However, I was often angry when compassion was what was really needed. I had to ask myself is this anger helping? and if not, let it go.
Thankfully, after many cries and allowing myself the space to process my feelings, I was ready to live in the truth instead of fighting it. I was ready to accept that we are human. I was ready to open my heart again. I did the deep feeling. I didn’t brush past it or stuff it down (well I tried to stuff it down with food, but that back fired leaving me feeling worse). I ate a bunch of chocolate. I wrote. I meditated. I collaged. I spent time in my yard, enjoying the hammock, tending to my succulent garden and planting seeds. I once heard to plant a garden is to believe in or have hope for tomorrow. I felt that saying come to me as I planted flower seeds and allowed it to uplift me.