Light within Darkness. 20×16. Acrylic on Canvas. 2016

July was rough. Intense and hard. Filled with stress and feelings of lack. It was the toughest month I’ve had in awhile.

When I’m out of sorts, I contract and withdraw. I have confronted this kind of lack and stress before and made it through the darkness back to the light countless times. So I know this dark time it’s fleeting, but then, that may be why I was so frustrated. Because I’ve been here before and I didn’t want to be here ever again. But I will be here again. We all will. It’s how life rolls. Control is an illusion (Thank you, Mr Robot for that tidbit, I found comfort in repeating it when I felt out of control.)

There were valid reasons for being so angry, upset and frustrated. However, I was often angry when compassion was what was really needed. I had to ask myself is this anger helping? and if not, let it go.

Thankfully, after many cries and allowing myself the space to process my feelings, I was ready to live in the truth instead of fighting it. I was ready to accept that we are human.  I was ready to open my heart again. I did the deep feeling. I didn’t brush past it or stuff it down (well I tried to stuff it down with food, but that back fired leaving me feeling worse). I ate a bunch of chocolate. I wrote. I meditated. I collaged. I spent time in my yard, enjoying the hammock, tending to my succulent garden and planting seeds. I once heard to plant a garden is to believe in or have hope for tomorrow. I felt that saying come to me as I planted flower seeds and allowed it to uplift me.