Soul Musings

I have been writing this post on and off for months and am finally ready to hit publish! Woo hoo, officially beginning my new year!

I always feel the need to slow down, reflect, take time off, rest and slowly start thinking of the new year. I love day dreaming and planning. Last year, I picked up Leonie Dawson’s workbook and LOVED it. I pre-ordered my 2015 workbook this year as I wanted it as soon as possible and have spent countless hours releasing 2014 and invoking 2015.

When I started day dreaming about 2015, I felt a uneasy and a little lost. After spending some time releasing 2014 my goals and ideas became clearer. This is the first year I have the luxury of planning things out instead of riding whatever wave comes along or sitting in transition and not riding at all because a path has not been cleared. That feels scary really. I’m used to knee-jerk reactions and letting things come to me instead of really figuring out what I want and going after it.

This year as something different in store. To step up and embody my soul yearnings, my  truth, my dreams and desires. With that calling brings all the fears: the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being able to handle it, the fear of failure. Yet, I know these fears lead my fulfilling my deeper purpose.

Phoenix II, Kristen Fagan, Acrylic on Canvas, 24″x24″, 2015

The Phoenix is a mythical bird that consumes itself in flames to be reborn new from its ashes. The Phoenix is the symbol of the transformation of human consciousness and our creative spirit that we must undergo to create what we desire.

I have been running in many different directions for what feels like forever. The holidays and the rush of work and play that come with them feel like yesterday when in fact I should be fully decompressed from that by now. My new years life + biz reflecting and goal setting should be planting new seeds of creation when in fact I have yet to even hit publish on my intentions. In January, I took off on family trip for my godson’s baptism followed immediately by two work trips (one with my work and one with my husband’s work). I felt good, inspired and ready to tackle my intentions, my artwork, my well being when I returned from my travels when in fact I have done none of those things.

Instead, I have been caring for our family, our home, figuring out where everyone else is at this moment and what kind of support they need from me to be their very best. All noble, worthy things of course. In addition, my youngest son had urology surgery last week (he is doing great) and my oldest son had a medical issue the day after my other son’s surgery that required drs, an emergency room visit and an ultrasound last week (he is well now). It was a scary and stressful few days. I am very grateful that everyone is healthy and on the mend.

I am however, feeling all my to do’s, should haves, obligations and soul yearnings hit me at once. I am cranky. I am run-down. I am detached. I feel heavy, out of balance, undernourished (ironically, nourish is my word of the year), exhausted and depleted. I am now the one needing support. It’s time to transform and create what I desire and that means standing up for the precious time I have to call my own. I need to give myself some structure and space to allow dreams to happen!

2014.

What changed my life this year? I want to share the things that made a difference in my happiness, life + abundance.

A really big deal for me this year was that I completed this new website and blog. Although it’s taking me a little while to get settled I love this new space so much. I started blogging in 2008 and was ready for an upgrade. My website was so out of date I took it down for a couple years before I completed this one. I had it in my head for at least two years that I wanted to take it up a notch and create something that I felt proud to show people and that I could grow with for the next few years. It feels good to begin again with a fresh new home on the web.

After a couple of years really concentrating on my health and wellness I got sidetracked. Towards the end of 2014 I began to come out of the fog and re-commit to eating healthy and moving my body. It hasn’t been easy or consistent but, it’s a step in the right direction and my mind is more on board with making the commitment then it’s been in some time.

I allowed myself to say no to business opportunities and projects that didn’t feel right. I spent more time at home, with my family and doing “mom stuff”. It’s been a huge transition year for our family schedule, finances and time management and one of the best things I did was acknowledge that a lot was changing and that I needed to let things flow and in some cases let things go and be totally okay with it.

I treated myself and our kids more. Our family has been on a very tight budget for what seems like forever and treating ourselves has been at the very bottom of the list. This year, I bought new clothes, art supplies, body care, high quality food, kitchen gadgets and home decor items – all of which were out of reach the last few years. I also did the same for our kids. When they needed something, I got it. When they wanted to play a sport, I signed them up. If we were out and they wanted something small, I said yes more often. My kids are really great about understanding the cost of things. They have only ever known us to be on a budget. If it wasn’t on sale it wasn’t likely to happen. It’s felt really nice to give a little more then they have been used to. I didn’t go crazy but, I loosened the reins and allowed all of us to enjoy some things “just because”.

Here are some notable events and things that happened this year:

– Art Date at Moma

– Participated in Inktober – 31 Days, 31 Drawings

– Changed my weekday work schedule to be off when kids get home from school

– Took my kids to help pack food at Feed my Starving Children

– Met my godson, Joseph Liam and painted art for his nursery.

– Refinished our dining room table

– Shared new art works in progress

– Took a family vacation to Disneyland

– Participated in the community art project, Mesa Street Art Love

– Family trip to New York, celebrated my sister’s baby shower, fun on Fire Island, visited the NYC and saw Phish.

– Collaborated with my youngest son, Hudson on our backyard art bench

– Participated in the Beads of Courage Jewelry Design Challenge

– Got a ton of dental work done, everyone in the family is all caught up

– Took a sewing class with my friend Amanda and learned how to use a sewing machine.

– Shared monthly jewelry tutorials

– Saw Ethan read his poem at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum. He won Honorable Mention out of 600 entries

– Watched many dance performances with Hudson and his hip hop performance crew

– Supported my husband any way I could as he took on his own journey of growth and success.

This year has really been about giving my family as much support as I can to help them thrive as well as allowing myself to take a step back and be supported and cared for instead of doing it all by myself.

I hope your 2014 has been filled with wonderful lessons and that you’ve emerged from it stronger, wiser + more joyful than ever before.

While on a trip home to New York this past Fall to visit family and meet my newest member, my adorable nephew Joseph Liam, I took a train ride to NYC for an art date at the Modern Museum of Art. Swoon. It was a beautiful day. I love walking around a museum. Although, I love having company when I go out on the town, I also love going it alone.  I went to college in NYC and one of my favorite things to do was just wander around on my own, being inspired and surprised by what I saw. I miss that and felt so blessed to have a day to myself to wander in a city I love.

It is amazing to see so many iconic artworks and famous artists in one place. I thought I would be there a couple hours and explored other parts of the city but, I ended up staying there all day and honestly could have stayed longer. Here are some pictures of my time at MoMA.

Top Left to Right: Henri Matisse, Henri Mattisse, Piet Mondrian, Pablo Picasso, Frida Kahlo, Pablo Picasso, Joan Miro, Mark Rothko, Vasily Kandinsky.

Me and Claude Monet.

I stumbled into the exhibit The Paris of Toulouse – Lautrec: Prints and Posters. Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec (1864–1901) brought the language of the late-19th-century avant-garde to the public through his famous posters, prints, and illustrations for journals and magazines.  His work shows many facets of Parisian life, from politics to culture and the popular entertainment in the form of cabarets and café-concerts. This is the first MoMA exhibition in 30 years dedicated solely to Lautrec, and features over 100 examples of the best-known works created during the apex of his career. I love the color schemes and expression in his illustrations.

While there, I had the pleasure of seeing the Henri Matisse: The Cut-Outs – the largest and most extensive presentation of the artist’s cut-outs ever assembled. I went to the museum specifically to see this exhibit.

[Installation view of “Henri Matisse: The Cut-Outs” at The Museum of Modern Art, New York (October 12, 2014-February 8, 2015). Photo by Jonathan Muzikar. © 2014 The Museum of Modern Art]

I have always admired Matisse’s eye for pattern and color in his painting but, in all honesty the cut outs didn’t move me as much. That said, I knew it was a rare chance to see it and for me to be in NY while it was there it would be a shame to miss it. Well, seeing it in person makes all the difference. They are beautiful and playful works created during a difficult time in his life. The size and shear volume of work is captivating. The shapes, pin holes and colors are wonderful. As are the videos they have compiled about his work, his process and the tedious process of restoring the swimming spool.  Go see it if you can! It’s on exhibit through February 10, 2015. http://www.moma.org/

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

When you are juggling all that life throws your way it’s inevitable that you will some times “drop the ball”. That is what happened on the home front earlier this month. Without going into into the details, I’ll just say that I hyper focused in one area of my child’s life leaving another area totally unaccounted for. I didn’t cross my t’s and dot my i’s. I didn’t have something that is a pretty big deal all neatly squared away. Instead, I dropped the ball. I left a task unattended that created a lot of stress. I realized the error of my ways on a Sunday and I wasn’t able to do anything about it because it was a Sunday. I had to wait until Monday to tackle the issue. This created an avalanche of anxiety over the worst case scenario. I was a complete wreck. I cried, I stressed and I talked to myself really badly. “How I can I be so stupid?” “Why didn’t I follow up” “What kind of parent am I?” and on and on. For HOURS this went on. Even when rationally I knew nothing could be done about it I continued to berate myself, question my worth as a parent and feel incredibly sad and depressed. I tried multiple times practice being kind to myself. I am only human. Just an imperfect person who makes mistakes. Still I couldn’t shake the “terrible person, awful parent” feeling of having to possible disappoint my child in a way I didn’t intend to.

In the end it all worked out. I had some things to take care that put things on the right path. I had my husband on my side helping in every way he could to set things right. He was (as he always is) my rock. He gets to the heart of the issue and helps things happen whenever I am paralyzed by fear and doubt and pity. I dropped the ball. I am going to do that some times. I have to let it be okay and trust that all will be fine. I don’t know why when things go wrong I rip myself to shreds. I’m sure it’s a pretty common phenomenon but, where did we learn that tearing ourselves down makes any sense in fixing the issue? Learning to be nicer to myself is a work in progress. I clearly need to nurture self-kindness. Taking a moment to change how I speak to myself, journaling to help get out of my head and meditating to are all ways I can try the next time I breakdown, because there is always a next time.

Looking for ways to practice self-kindness? I found an awesome article and guided meditations to help.

40 Way to Practice Self-Kindness

Guided Self-Compassion Meditations by Kristin Neff, author of the book “Self-Compassion”.

This weekend, I celebrated my birthday with Bert and the boys. Last week was the first week of having both kids back to school. With the boys going to two different schools, a new work schedule for me, trying to make more home cooked dinner and packing lunches every evening I was wiped out by my birthday on Friday. I woke up a little cranky and blah, and the day went a bit awry. I kind of wished instead of working for the day, I would have planned a pedicure or lunch date for myself. Ah, well. I perked up after work and was pleasantly surprised when my birthday gift from Bert arrived early from Zappos. I wasn’t expecting it until next week. I opened the box with excitement to find men’s boots instead of my new pair of Birkenstocks. Luckily, Zappos is awesome. They apologized, got the right shoes in the mail and offered me a nice sized coupon to use on a future purchase – I already took advantage and ordered something I’ve wanted for awhile, a coffee grinder. By the way, when did Zappos begin carrying so much stuff?! After picking the kids up from school we stopped at Sprouts and I thought getting myself some flowers would be awesome. The boys picked out a beautiful white orchid plant. We headed home and when I walked in the door, I saw a huge purple and yellow orchid plant on the table. I was floored. Bert had the same idea! I couldn’t help but laugh. Now I have an beautiful purple orchid plant in the kitchen and the white one I bought myself in my studio. I wasn’t feeling up to going out to dinner so, we ordered pizza. It was delicious as always but unfortunately it left me super bloated and my stomach hurt for the rest of the night. Bert picked up a rich luscious dark chocolate and raspberry cake that looked delicious but, I couldn’t eat it that night. The kids didn’t like it at all so, not much was eaten Friday. I sure enjoyed it for breakfast on Saturday though! Bert is such a great sport. He tried so hard to give me a perfect day but, at every turn something went awry. It was however, a beautifully imperfect birthday.

Lucky for me, I got a whole weekend to celebrate! I felt like I needed to get my nature fix so, we decided to drive north and visit one of my favorite spots near Payson – the Tonto Natural Bridge. There is something so special about this little gem of a place. We had a wonderful time hanging in the cool mist of the waterfall in the cavern under the bridge. Afterwards we had an early dinner in at a local diner and headed home. We were listening to the Grateful Dead on the drive home and “So Many Roads” came on. I love road trips, driving and taking in the scenery that surrounds always eases my soul. It was such a wonderful day.

Today, I got a chance to thrift shop and buy supplies for an art project I’m working on and then I relaxed at home. A little resting, reading and cleaning getting ready for a new week. Thank you for all the wishes of happiness for my birthday via texts, calls and social media! You guys sure know how to make a girl feel loved!!! I’m blessed to have so many wonderful and caring people in my life. I am looking forward to year filled with happiness, abundance, creativity and more imperfectly perfect moments!