Happy May! I can’t believe it’s May. I feel like I lost touch in April entirely. I have been trekking along as best I could but, haven’t been as on top of things as usual. I’ve been struggling with fatigue and burnout and overwhelm in ways that are new to me. My mind is full of ideas and dreams and my calendar full of action plans but, my body has had other plans for me and much of those plans involved feeling tired and weak. Remember back in January when I felt like I was hibernating? Well that feeling has been creeping up more and more and it’s been putting a real cramp in my style.

About a year ago I felt like something was up with my body chemistry, I got blood work done but never went back for the follow-up appointment so, I never found out what was going on. Fast forward to this year and “I’m so tired” had become something of a catchphrase for me. I hated it. I was napping before dinner and often too tired to get up and cook. Which lead to us eating poorly and me feeling worse. My eyes have been extremely itchy and dry, making it tough to keep them open while working my design job. I started carrying eye drops with me everywhere. By the time I was done with my day job the thought of getting back on the computer to blog or email was the farthest from my capability. Which left me feeling worse about myself. My motivated spirit is something that makes me feel like me. I love getting shit done. But, lately it’s been a never ending cycle of excuses to myself as to why I didn’t do this or that – a viscous cycle.

In April, I finally got myself to the dr, did blood work and went back for the results. That part is key. I found out that I am anemic as well as deficient in vitamins B12, B6 and Magnesium.  I began taking an iron supplement two weeks ago. I also stopped drinking coffee. I read that it’s an iron inhibitor and so, it may have been adding to my low iron symptoms of fatigue, dry eyes and cold extremities. I love coffee and still want it as a treat but, for now I’m on a break. I’ve been drinking tea instead, some days caffeinated some days not. In addition I have been taking B-complex and a trace minerals supplement.

I’m a work in progress and most days I am more energetic then I’ve been in awhile. Having awareness about what is going on with my body has been huge help in me finding my strength again.

When you feel like something is off and you have strange symptoms popping up, don’t ignore it. I urge you to look into it. You’re body is trying to tell you something. Listen. Your intuition is stronger then you realize. xoxo

Lotus rising from the mud – created during Whitney Freya’s painting meditation.

This week I was rejected. Well, that’s not entirely true but, my artwork was and that’s pretty much the same thing. It wasn’t a flat out “we don’t want you” kind of rejection but, let’s face it, it doesn’t sting any less. A no is a no. It happens to us all at one time or another but, it’s still painful. I was disappointed, hurt, maybe a little angry. Rejection. It’s what we all fear. It’s what stops us in our tracks when we contemplate putting ourselves out there. So, what did I do?

I reached out to my husband and one of my besties to share in my sadness – misery loves company, right? I cried and moped around for the larger part of the day. I may have had a few handfuls of chocolate chips. I allowed myself to feel the pain. After a little bit, I pulled myself together and submitted my work to another show as well as jotted down some ideas for a themed show I’d also like to submit too. I got right back on the horse so to speak. I listened to Flying Leap! Lori Portka and Liv Lane’s free audio class about fear and finding your purpose. I purchased their book Infinite Purpose directly after. Divine timing.

Once the kids were in bed for the night I decided the best thing to do was give myself some space and paint. I have been listening to a painting meditation series with Whitney Freya on and off since January and that felt like the perfect medicine and you know what, it totally was. I listened to the meditative music, moved watercolors around on paper and I felt lighter, more connected to my soul and began to shed the sadness from earlier in the day.

Art heals. It’s why I create. At the very core of what pulls me in is the desire to feel that direct access to my heart through my intuitive mind, eyes and hands. Art is not what you make, it’s who you are. It’s who I am.

I let my feelings simmer for a couple days after my rejection and then replied. I was grateful they took the time to look over my work. I also wanted to ask a question. The response mentioned that my style was similar to other artists already scheduled and that stuck with me. You don’t want to hear that your work looks like everyone else’s and it’s tough to look at your own work with a critical eye. I wanted to know more. What was it that made my work feel similar to others? I wanted to be able to see my work through a different lens. I may or may not change my work based on the opinion but, I wanted the opportunity to sit with it and let it simmer. I have not heard back yet but, hope that I do.

Soul purpose sometimes doesn’t make sense. It isn’t romantic and doesn’t necessarily work the way you think it should. Soul purpose is about growth. It is about you showing up bigger than you ever have before. It is about you stretching in sometimes uncomfortable ways. ~ Amber Kuileimailani Bonnici

I know I need to show up more and do my souls work. I am leaning into the idea of daily practice and what that may look like. The desire to be authentically me is overwhelming and paralyzing at times. I look at this as a lesson of growth. My voice is a result of dedicated practice and that is something I need to make time for.

Rejection. It is a catalyst. It is something that pushes us, makes us uncomfortable and can break us if we let it. Don’t let it. Move through the hurt and find your strength. You are not the sum of what people think. You are so much more. Believe in your worth. Believe in your gifts. Believe in YOU.

Photo by Kerry Burki and Kimberly Kling. Art by Kristen Fagan

Issue #2 of KERRY Magazine will be sent to her email subscribers this week. Get on Kerry’s email list at kerryburki.com to receive your copy. 

Sneak peak at Kerry’s photo shoot for the second issue of her magazine. Recognize anyone – haha, we were having too much fun! I am blessed to have met these women. This issue is healing, therapeutic, unique and engaging. I am so excited to be a part of it.

KERRY Magazine is a dream project by Kerry Burki, who is an inspirational a catalyst for positive change. It’s a digital magazine that uses real women as models, supports small businesses, encourages you to feel beautiful as you are right now.